Totally Hawt Potter Love: The Rewrite!
by GhostOfBambi
Summary: Rewritten, and digitally remastered: Lily Evans is a tortured soul, who hides behind a mask of angst. James Potter is the Hogwarts school player. Sirius Black is hyper, Peter isn't there, and Remus likes to read! Find out more in this thrilling tale!
1. Teh Wangst!

**Author's Note: I always enjoyed this parody and intended to finish it, and I've been in the mood to write something silly after the months I have spent toiling over a science-fiction novel in which people get murdered left, right and centre, and so I thought this story was ripe for a rewrite. Pop culture has come a long way since I originally posted this story in 2007, and hopefully I am wittier just shy of twenty-four than I was at the age of nineteen. As long as there is bad fan fiction in the world, there I will be, cruelly mocking it for kicks. Please note that this is a parody, and that I absolutely will be making fun of **_**Twilight**_**.**

**Chapter one - Teh Wangst!**

Once upon a time, in a land named England that was far, far away from America, but where everybody still spoke with American accents and used American slang, there lived a young witch named Lily Evans, who was a seventh year Gryffindor student at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. Lily Evans was an intelligent, caring, witty and sensible young woman, who also happened to be utterly ravishing. Her hair was the colour of blood, her eyes were akin to giant emerald orbs of beauty, her skin was as white as the purest snow and she had a magnificent body, with curves in all the right places, kind of like Blake Lively's, but even better. Seriously, it was as if Blake and Karen Gillan had morphed into one stunningly beautiful redhead, but with slimmer legs and even perkier breasts. Lily attained outstanding marks in every single exam she sat, or essay she completed, and she had many amazing talents, too numerous to list.

You, dear reader, might think that life for Lily Evans was a bed of fresh rose petals, but alas, she had ABUSIVE PARENTS, and spent her endlessly empty days wallowing in the depths of deep, deep, deepest despair. Lily's mother, Rosemary, was an Avon lady, who refused to let Lily stay out after eleven at night during the summer holidays, and her father, Fred, couldn't afford to buy her an iPhone 4S even though all the other kids had one and it was just so totally unfair, like, what kind of parents did that to their own children? Lily also had an older sister named Petunia who had a full-time job and could afford her own iPhone 4S, and also, she had once, like, totally thrown Lily's Spice Girls lunch box under a bus one day when they were children just to be nasty, and she would never agree to buy alcohol for Lily because Lily was not legally of age to drink. It was the most depressing family situation ever, and nobody understood her, and Lily was like, totally on the brink of depression.

As with most girls in similar situations, Lily thought that the best way to deal with her pain and emotional hollowness was to wear a straggly, mousy brown wig, brown contact lenses, large spectacles, and a fat suit under her school robes, in order to hide her beauty. In Lily's mind, it was her beauty that was the cause of all of her heartache, not her own selfishness or adolescent stupidity. She also threw herself into her studies and had no friends, like, ever. Friends were like, so last decade and in this bourgeois society people didn't need friends and like, Lily just wished that someone would love her for _her_, and not for her looks, and people were superficial and only concerned with material things. Also, everyone else at Hogwarts had the new iPhone 4S and Lily was totally jealous of those bitches.

So anyway, one morning, Lily was shuffling down the hallways and crying to herself because she had spent an hour drawing scars on her arms with a red Sharpie because she wanted attention and sympathy, but nobody had noticed, when she saw the _most_ sexiest and _most_ popular boys in the whole entire school, the Marauders. The Marauders comprised of three seventh year Gryffindors: Remus Lupin, Sirius Black and James Potter. There was no real reason for anybody to call them 'The Marauders' save for the fact that they invented a map of the school this one time that would aid them in marauding, and didn't tell anybody else about it, but somehow everybody knew without knowing and called them 'The Marauders' anyway. There used to be another Marauder named Peter Pettigrew, but he vanished one day and nobody bothered to look for him. The end.

Remus Lupin owned the _most_ sexiest and _most_ popular books in school. He read all day long, often bumping into walls, other students, and toilet cisterns. In fact, Remus Lupin only ever stopped reading in order to eat chocolate, which was like, a cure for Dementor angst, although there weren't any Dementors at Hogwarts. Everything else that Remus ever did, which mostly consisted of making comments that weren't intelligent at all, but were assumed to be because he used a lot of long words, was done whilst reading. Remus was super studious and did really well in school and all of the teachers loved him. But, alas! Remus was also a werewolf! This made him freakishly strong, slightly evil when full moon was coming up, and horny all the time. His favourite author was John Steinback, and he was easily manipulated by people with a strong sense of themselves.

Sirius Black was one of those giddy, irritating and freakishly happy guys that most girls cannot stand, but that didn't stop him from bedding every girl in school, including McGonagall, although Sirius generally didn't have time for the ugly ones. Sirius was extra sexy, you see, even though he constantly acted like a hyperactive two year old, due to the fact that he had long hair, and callously neglected the school rules by wearing studded leather jackets instead of his Hogwarts robes. He loved sugary foods. He loved sugary foods so fucking much, man. He also loved shaking his sexy hair a lot, and he loved having sex with Remus, who was his One True Love. Sirius Black had the _most_ sexiest and _most_ popular everything on earth.

James Potter was Lily's secret love, and had the _most_ sexiest and _most_ popular Quidditch toned muscles in the history of the entire world. He was the only person on earth who was allowed to wear glasses in this story and still be irresistibly sexy, and he liked to sleep with lots of girls. However, James was a real sensitive guy inside, who was just looking for that special someone. His special someone would be an intelligent, caring, witty and sensible young woman, who also happened to be utterly ravishing. Her hair would the colour of blood, her eyes would be like giant emerald orbs, her skin would be as white as the purest snow and she would have to have a magnificent figure with curves in all the right places, kind of like Blake Lively's but better. So far, James had never met a girl like that.

Anyway, the Marauders were walking down the corridor and James bumped into Lily. Nobody ever saw Lily for some reason, even though she was a real, solid human being, and the fat suit she insisted upon wearing all of the time made her appear quite gigantic. Seriously. She had to sit at her own bench in Potions class.

"Watch it, girl I've never seen in my life even though I've been here for over six years!" shouted James grandly, pushing her cruelly away. Lily fell on the floor and cried softly, because her disguise had stripped her of all confidence and she was dying inside. The Marauders walked on along the corridor, laughing because they were Marauders and the girl James had just shoved over was fat, and appearances were everything in the hallways of Hogwarts.

"I want to shag someone," said James, who prided himself on reinforcing the totally untrue myth that men think about sex every seconds.

"HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Ooh, pretty window. Woohoo! Here comes the airplane!" Sirius shouted, his voice somewhat obscured by the six lollipops he had in his mouth. "I mean, ahem, are you _Sirius_?"

"No," James snickered, overcome by this wildly intelligent joke. "You are!"

Sirius roared laughing because it was the funniest thing ever.

"Haha! Sirius, you and I, we're so witty!" James replied. "Yes, I want to shag someone. Hang on, what's an airplane?"

"Commonwealth. The inarticulate behavioural patterns of hypochondriacs the world over. Consequential," said Remus, not looking up from his book. James and Sirius were bowled over by his brilliance, and neither could speak.

Just then, Bellatrix Black walked out into the corridor, having come from the bathroom. She took one look at the Marauders and rolled her eyes at their idiocy. James, Sirius and Remus all froze in shock at this horrifying new development. Bellatrix was a Slytherin, which meant that she always had to be plotting something untoward and complicated, something that would clearly involve a lot of time, energy and effort, and climax in the unfortunate murder of James' mother or something, and not doing something as simple and innocent as leaving the bathroom to go to class. Bellatrix did not like the Marauders and had no time for them, so she simply walked off in the opposite direction. This, if anything, was a sign that dark things were to come in the very near future.

"This means WAR!" Sirius screamed after Bellatrix's retreating back. Then, recovering himself, he tipped an entire pound of sugar directly into his mouth and looked to James, his Best Friend Forever.

"Who do you want to shag? Ooh hoo hoooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!"

"Dunno," said James, who wasn't fussy. "Someone random?"

"Why do you want to fornicate with a random person when you could be studying, pranking the school, sneaking down to the kitchens for a slice of treacle tart or reading about economical budgerigar pottery wheel emotives, and Lady Gaga's venereal development landfill site?" said Remus, turning a page. James shrugged. Sirius suddenly jumped about ten feet into the air and turned to them both.

"How about a bet? Hehehehehehehehehehehe!" he cried in delight. "If you can find an ugly, disgusting girl and convince her to get a makeover, become popular and have sex, HAHAHAHAHAHAHA I SAID SEX, with you in the space of a day, I'll give you a thousand Galleons because, in spite of the fact that I'm basically homeless after defecting from my lunatic family, I have that kind of money lying around in my sock drawer."

"Huzzah!" James leapt into the air and kicked his heels together. "I'll take that bet. What girl should I pick?"

"Statistical analysis and proportional representation," said Remus.

"You're right, Remus, this idea _is_ cruel and horrible, but I'll do it anyway," said James. "Hey, I'll use that girl I just bumped into earlier!" He ran off to find Lily and shag her brains out.

**Ooh! A cliff-hanger! How will it end! Will James have sex with Lily? Will Lily finally show her true beauty? Will we ever understand what Remus is talking about? What dark plot could Bellatrix Black be hatching? Will Sirius freak out when he runs out of sugar? Will Peter ever turn up again, and does anyone really care? Find out in the next thrilling instalment of Totally Hawt Potter Love: The Rewrite!**


	2. Teh Sex!

_**In the last chapter of Totally Hawt Potter Love: The Rewrite…**__ "You're right, Remus, this idea _is_ cruel and horrible, but I'll do it anyway," said James. "Hey, I'll use that girl I just bumped into earlier!" He ran off to find Lily and shag her brains out._

**Chapter two – Teh Sex!**

James dashed to the library, where he found the ugly, boring fat chick from earlier. He ruffled up his sexy, jet-black hair and sat down next to her. She was absorbed in her schoolwork, but looked up after he had coughed obviously a couple of times.

"Hello, unimportant and unsightly girl," he schmoozed, turning on the famous Potter charm. "How would you like to be beautiful and popular?"

Lily looked back down at her homework in shock, willing herself not to swell with emotion. James Potter was actually deigning to speak to her! Finally! After all these years!

James Potter was Lily's ideal man. Not only was he gorgeous and sexy, he was arrogant, disgusting, stupid and shallow, and he acted like a complete slut, shagging his way around the school and contributing to a sudden rise in teenage pregnancy. There wasn't even anything about James which hinted that there may have been a decent and misunderstood person beneath all of his faults. James was definitely her One True Love! Lily would be mad to turn down the chance to be someone who James Potter considered beautiful and popular, but also, the pain of her childhood prevented her from ever wanting to be happy at all, because that makes perfect sense. She faltered.

"Answer me, repulsive girl!" James demanded. Bitches didn't ignore James Potter. "I hereby promise that if you transform yourself into a skank, I will have painful, meaningless, and completely awkward teenage sex with you!"

"I, I, I don't know," Lily whispered delicately.

"Oh, go on," James wheedled. "It'll be twenty seconds out of your life."

"But, but I…"

"C'mon, baby, let's see what's behind those specs," said James, purring like a tiger. He made to take her glasses off, but Lily squeaked and ran away, her stomach flipping at the thought of having sex with her One True Love, her loins aquiver, and her heart beating with fear. She wanted nothing more than to surrender herself to the burning fire of her passion for James Potter, but if she did, he would see through her disguise and that would surely signal the end of mankind as we know it. Somehow. She wasn't really clear on why.

Lily reached the Prefects bathroom and decided to have a shower because the many emotions inside her made her feel dirty. She went inside and removed her wig, glasses, contacts, fat-suit and clothes. The red marks from the Sharpie had vanished miraculously. She stood in the one spot as the giant bathtub filled with water, shaking out her long, crimson, cascading and sexy hair, and looking every inch the goddess she was.

At that very moment, James went into the Prefects bathroom with his Invisibility Cloak on because that made perfect sense to him. He saw Lily's true and gasped immediately. He was in love! He had never felt like this before! He had to have her right now! Never mind that he had never seen her before and she could have lots of STDs, when one is in love, these things cease to matter!

Pulling his cloak off, he strode confidently towards her and grabbed her wrist, which is what you do when you're invisible and intrude upon a naked girl in the bathroom.

"What is your name, you beautiful thing?" he demanded to know. Bitches didn't refuse to tell James Potter their names. Lily was shocked. James Potter thought she was beautiful. Oh, glory be! Even a horrifying invasion of her privacy could be forgiven after this!

"L-L-Lily," she stammered, blushing pink.

"I love you, Lily."

"Oh James, I love you too!" Lily cried. All of a sudden, her previous pain was gone and she was ready to be the Lily she always was underneath. Also, she decided to be a slut.

She and James had perfect sex multiple times, and they were both super adept at it, because seventeen year old children are always really good at sex. Even the virgins.

Afterwards, James didn't have time to cuddle because had to run off and get ready for the ball that was being held later that night. There was Triwizard tournament going on, in fact, James was the Hogwarts champion, and thus, a Yule Ball was being held, even though it was only September 27th. Dumbledore had written the wrong date on his calendar, the old rascal! Before James left, he gave Lily his cell phone number and email address and she typed the information into her Blackberry, and James had a good laugh at her expense because she didn't have an iPhone 4S and like, way to live in the past, Lily. Then he left. Lily put her ugly disguise back on, that James for some reason had failed to spot sitting on the floor, and got ready for the Yule Ball too, right there in the bathroom. It was a masked ball, but she figured that she was already wearing a MASK OF ANGST(™), so she didn't bother with a proper mask. All of humanity wore a mask to disguise the true self within, anyway, and society was such a total fucking lie, anyway, and Lily was far too above such frivolity, so like, whatever.

**Meanwhile…**

Sirius and Remus had followed Bellatrix Black down the corridor, in order to see what evil she was plotting. They watched with increasing trepidation as she stopped in the Great Hall and sat down next to some of her fellow Slytherins, where she proceeded to eat a jacket potato with butter and consume two glasses of pumpkin juice, followed by a small salad with a generous helping of cherry tomatoes. What more of an indication could one need?

"She's definitely up to something… sinister," said Sirius mysteriously. "The question is, what?"

**Three hours later…**

At the ball, Lily was sitting sadly by a table, alone, obviously, when a guy wearing a stag mask came over. It was James Potter, still wanting to carry out his bet from earlier, but she didn't realise this because when somebody wears a mask it makes it impossible for the people know who them to figure out who there are, in spite of the fact that their voice, hair and mannerisms don't change at all.

"You are beautiful, I love you," said James, reeking of insincerity. Lily was utterly shocked! Nobody had ever found her ugly disguise beautiful before, and she instantly fell in love with this masked stranger because appearances clearly didn't matter to him. However, she also loved James, so she was really confused. Shaking it off, she decided to dance with this boy. They danced together for ages, until he brought her outside to the starlit grounds. They made out and it was incredibly hot. Then, he took off his mask, and revealed his perfect, Quidditch-toned face.

"I promise, you revolting specimen of womanhood, that if you get a makeover I will love you forever, and take your virginity right now."

"YOU!" Lily cried. Lily was a redhead, which obviously meant that she was fiery, and had a really dangerous temper. "James! You, but…JAMES? I didn't know it was you! How could you do this to me!" She slapped him. Hard. In the face! "I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME!"

"Pardon?" said James. Lily waved her wand and her disguise fell away. Instead of the vast, purple, gold and lime green dress she had been wearing, she was now clad in a gown of emerald silk. Her red hair flowed like a waterfall and her emerald orbs glowed like freshly polished silver, except they were emerald and not silver. There was a lot of emerald, overall. Lily had green eyes, you see, which meant that she was never allowed to be clad in a dress of any other colour. Ever.

"I thought you said you loved me earlier," she screamed. "But you were about to have sex with another girl!"

"Well you said you loved me, but you were just making out with another bloke!"

"You cheating slimeball!" Lily hooted.

"You adulterous bitch!" James shouted.

"Jerk!"

"Whore!"

They then fell into each other's arms and kissed passionately in front of about twenty other students, and for a very long time. There was a lot of saliva and dry-humping involved. Then, Lily pulled away and slapped him again. Hard. In the face!

"What was that for?" James shouted.

"I don't know!' Lily screamed, and ran dramatically away, tears filling up her eyes as she did so. Heavens above, would this wrenching pain ever end?

**OMG, another cliff-hanger! Did anyone see that coming? How will it end? Will James bruise from all the hard slaps? In the face? Will Lily ever get over her childhood of pain? Has Sirius run out of sugar? Was there a secret message in Bellatrix Black's tomatoes? Can you handle the suspense?**


	3. Teh H0ttness!

_**In the last chapter of Totally Hawt Potter Love: The Rewrite…**__They then fell into each other's arms and kissed passionately in front of about twenty other students, and for a very long time. There was a lot of saliva and dry-humping involved. Then, Lily pulled away and slapped him again. Hard. In the face!_

_"What was that for?" James shouted._

_"I don't know!' Lily screamed, and ran dramatically away, tears filling up her eyes as she did so. Heavens above, would this wrenching pain ever end?_

**Chapter three – Teh H0ttness!**

Lily kept running and running, her hair streaming behind her like a scarlet flag of glory, until she reached the Gryffindor tower. She burst straight through the Fat Lady's portrait without even bothering to give her the password and raced up to her dormitory, where she collapsed onto her bed, weeping uncontrollably. She cried for what seemed like a million years before she heard the door open, and looked up, thankful that her eyes never went puffy and that her makeup never ran or got messy whenever she cried. She looked very much the same as she always did – stunning, which was how she looked all the time, even after showers, strenuous exercise, and waking up in the morning.

"Who are you?" said the girl who had entered the dormitory. It was Sabriana Testicular Uganda Princess Isabella Destiny Boomerang Ingrid Tinkerbell Crystal Halitosis, and with her was her best friend in the world, Delilah Urethra Melodramatic Breathless Alice Starlight Superwoman Whisper Hortense Orlando Rosalie Edgeworth. Like with every other student in the school, Lily had never spoken to either of them, but Sabriana Testicular Uganda Princess Isabella Destiny Boomerang Ingrid Tinkerbell Crystal Halitosis and Delilah Urethra Melodramatic Breathless Alice Starlight Superwoman Whisper Hortense Orlando Rosalie Edgeworth had bullied her mercilessly for many, many years.

"It's me, Lily Evans!" Lily cried out, choking on her saliva, which sparkled like glitter and tasted like rainbows, as she spoke. "This is my true self, the beauty beneath my feigned exterior! I've been hiding my true appearance for all these years, and now my fragile heart has been torn from my perfect, C-cup chest because I showed James Potter the true me!"

"Shit Lily, you're totally hot!" cried Sabriana Testicular Uganda Princess Isabella Destiny Boomerang Ingrid Tinkerbell Crystal Halitosis (or STUPIDBITCH, for short). "Do you like, want to be bestest best friends forever and ever and like, have matching bracelets and stuff?"

"Like, totally what she said," agreed Delilah Urethra Melodramatic Breathless Alice Starlight Superwoman Whisper Hortense Orlando Rosalie Edgeworth (or DUMBASSWHORE, for short).

"Yes!" cried Lily, rushing over to embrace her new best friends. And with that, all of her past pain melted away and it never bothered her again. She no longer cared about her parents, or sister, and no longer wanted to wallow in despair or hurt herself. A lifetime's worth of self-doubt, depression and Season Affective Disorder melted away in one swift, glorious moment, and Lily would never feel troubled again. She decided to continue being her beautiful self, and was filled with newfound confidence and complete contentment.

"Oh, okay, so now that we're best friends and everything, what d'ya wanna do, Lilyflower? Go back downstairs to the ball?" said STUPIDBITCH.

"Yeah!" Lily agreed, her green eyes lighting up like streetlamps. "That would be totally awesome! Who goes to parties alone these days?"

And so it was that Lily, STUPIDBITCH and DUMBASSWHORE linked arms and skipped down to the Great Hall, and there were no three closer friends anywhere.

_**Meanwhile, In the Great Hall…**_

"Hey, guys!" James jogged over to a table where Sirius and Remus were sitting. Remus was reading a book and Sirius was hopping in his seat and winking at twenty-seven girls simultaneously. "Remember that ugly girl we placed a bet on earlier?"

"Yes I do!" shouted Sirius in an unnaturally loud voice.

"Portentous," said Remus, indicating that he did, in fact, remember.

"Well, we shagged."

"No way!" Sirius cried, jumping out of his seat in excitement, having consumed precisely five gallons of fizzy pop thirty-eight seconds ago. "Poop, buttocks, quadriplegic, they're all such funny words! You didn't have sex with her, no way!"

"I did, but it was in the Prefects bathroom and she wasn't ugly anymore," James explained. "Turns out she's really hot, dude."

"Man, that is some trip, and I completely understand everything that you claim has happened even though you didn't offer a particularly detailed explanation," said Sirius. "Pity I don't believe you."

"Double damn!" James shouted, slamming his fist on the table. "For some reason, I know her life story and the reasons behind her hideous disguise, in spite of the fact that we're yet to have an actual conversation. There's no way she'd take it off now and prove my claim to be true, not unless she suddenly happened to befriend two girls who had previously bullied her, but I mean, what are the odds of that?"

At that very moment, Lily and her new best friends entered the Great Hall, arm in arm and looking damn fine. Lily was the fairest one of them all, of course. Her fiery red hair was curled to perfection, and fell about her porcelain face in soft waves. She was wearing a skirt which looked as if it might be better placed on the top right-hand corner of an envelope, thigh-high leather boots and a sparkly pink bikini top. It was total h0ttness, straight from the land of h0tt.

"Holy mother of all things I masturbate over, she just proved me right! Lily! Over here!" James waved his arms around and caught Lily's attention immediately. She and her new friends sashayed over, and the eyes of every single person in the Great Hall were on Lily, and Lily alone. Most were wondering who the new girl was, and all were wondering what glorious things they had done in a past life to deserve to be blessed by a vision of such beauty in this one. Apart from all of the girls, who were just jealous bitches.

"Lily, baby, you gotta take me back," said James.

"Hell no!" cried Lily with attitude, waving her index finger in his face. "I won't let no damn honky get all in my face an' tell me he not a player, mmm hmm."

"Word!" said DUMBASSWHORE, shaking her h0tt h0tt booty.

"Damn, STUPIDBITCH," said Sirius. "You fine! We should get together when these two do because that's an entirely original plot point in Lily/James stories, even though nobody really cares about who Lily's friends are dating like, ever."

"We can't be together, Sirius," said STUPIDBITCH. "You're a player. You're a bad boy. I disagree with the way you behave. It would take months of wheedling, convincing and confiding before I would ever be confident enough in your emotional maturity to believe that you could be capable of embarking upon a real relationship with me."

"For real?" said Sirius, looking downcast. He had suddenly developed deep feelings for STUPIDBITCH for no real reason, aside from the fact that she was the best friend of his best friend's current crush, and surely that meant they were all going to hang out together, and maybe even plot together to make James and Lily realise that they were right for one another.

"Lol, no," said STUPIDBITCH. "I'm only keeping that act up until the next chapter."

"Why you got to be like that, baby? You know that shit don't go down like that!" James was saying to Lily, whilst nodding his head crazily.

"Whatever, bitch. I'll catch y'all later." Lily walked off, swinging her arse provocatively.

"No, Lily! Come back, I love you! You my whole world!" James shouted, but to no avail.

"C'est un détraqué mental!" Sirius called after her.

"Sirius, I didn't know you spoke French!" said James, very impressed. Sirius grinned.

"Oui, I do in most badly-written fanfictions. Now, Moony," he turned to Remus and wriggled his eyebrows, his love for STUPIDBITCH momentarily forgotten. "Est-ce que c'est une baguette dans votre poche ou étes-ous heureux juste de me voir?"

Remus blushed, but still remained buried behind his book. Even the passionate stirrings of lust weren't enough to keep Remus Lupin away from his Chaucer. "Zut alors, quelle grande tente vous avez lá!"

"Not you too!"

Remus shrugged. "Well, I am the smart one." He giggled and blushed as Sirius grabbed his hand, leaving the other free to hold his book up to his face. "Sorry, James, we have to leave."

"You can't leave! I'll be alone, and that's not cool!"

"Hang around with Peter," Sirius offered helpfully. "I know that at the start of this story it was made perfectly clear that he'd vanished, but he's reappeared handily right over there!"

"I don't want anything to do with that boring freak," James protested, his expression darkening. "And I never will."

"Hey, James," said Peter Pettigrew, walking by him. And at that very moment, James suddenly knew in his heart that Peter was a true friend, one whom he could trust with his life, and the lives of his future wife and child, for now and ever more, but he still didn't want to spend any time with him. I mean, Peter is a total loser and the Marauders hated him for betraying James four years into the future even though they still weren't aware that this was going to happen!

James glared at Sirius and Remus as they walked off.

"Va bouffer ta merde!" he cried. "Wow, I can speak it too! Merci! S'il vous plait! Oú est la fenêtre? Oú pouvons-nous acheter un masque de boiteux?"

_**Meanwhile, outside the Great Hall…**_

Remus immediately grabbed Sirius and pulled him into the conveniently located Astronomy Tower, where they started to have sex.

Sirius (who was, in this instance, the receiver) got quite into it, but the rustling of pages from behind his back after a few minutes made him feel self-conscious.

"Moony, are you still reading?" he asked.

"Here, have some chocolate!" said Remus, quickly thrusting a bar of chocolate under Sirius's nose."

"_Ooh_! _Chocolate_!" said Sirius. He grabbed greedily at it, and Remus continued his sex and reading uninterrupted.

When they were finished with their sex, they took a moonlit stroll out on the grounds, where they were shocked to happen upon Bellatrix Black, who had also decided upon taking a walk in the grounds with her date to the Yule Ball that evening, just like many other couples, as the grounds were accessible for the night. Intrigued as to why Bellatrix would be out in the grounds, Remus and Sirius ducked into a nearby bush in order to eavesdrop on her conversation.

"Did you finish Slughorn's essay?" said Mulciber, Bellatrix's date for the evening.

"I finished the essay on Thursday," replied Bellatrix. "It required very little effort."

They walked on. Sirius and Remus were both aghast at this new and critical piece of information regarding Bellatrix Black and her evil plans.

"She's clearly speaking in code," said Sirius, in a rushed whisper. "I think… I think…"

"Captivation lithium. Diabolical artichoke," Remus agreed.

"You're right, Remus. Bellatrix Black _is_ planning to murder James!" cried Sirius. "We have to warn him immediately!"

They both sprang from the bush with haste, and in doing so startled Severus Snape, who had been walking by the bush. In his fright, he dropped a giant stack of papers that he had been clutching to his chest, and as they fluttered to the ground, both Sirius and Remus caught sight of the words '_OPERATION DEAD POTTER_' emblazoned across the top of many of them. Amongst the papers were what looked like an architectural plan of some sort that was clearly labelled '_POTTER'S HOUSE IN WALES – FLOOR PLAN_', several sketches that depicted James in varying states of dismemberment, and what seemed to be a recipe for deadly and untraceable poison.

"Clear off, Snivellus," Sirius threatened menacingly. "Or I'll attempt to sacrifice the emotional wellbeing and physical freedom of one of my best friends in the world by trying to have him kill you while he is in an inhuman state of mind over which he has no control… again."

Snape whimpered in terror, gathered up his papers and ran away. Looking down to the ground, Sirius noticed that he had forgotten one of his papers. He bent down and picked it up.

"Looks like old Snivelly left one of his papers behind, the tosser," he said, with a snort, shoving it in front of Remus' book. "Look."

It was a detailed account of James Potter's likes, dislikes, interests, medical history and daily activities, including his class timetable, a list of allergies, and a comprehensive record of each and every one of his bowel movements for the past three and a half years. Highlighted in yellow were sections detailing times when James was most likely to be alone, unarmed and vulnerable.

"What do you think he's up to?" said Sirius.

"Who knows?"

_**Meanwhile, on the third floor corridor…**_

James paced up and down the third floor corridor, cursing under his breath. He missed Lily, and her amazingly flexible body with curves in all the right places, kind of like Blake Lively's, but better than that. He wondered if there was anything he could do to get her back, like maybe writing her some poetry, singing the words of a Justin Bieber song to her on the balcony that appeared outside her dorm room window whenever it was convenient for James, or giving her a single lily as a gift, because her name was Lily, and that surely wasn't cheesy as fuck. All of these ideas were original and sweet, but none of them quite fit. He wasn't even sure if Justin Bieber existed in this decade.

"You!"

James whipped around and saw to his delight that Lily was behind him, garbed in a gorgeous white gown that was like, totally virginal. She looked like an innocent angel. Who he wanted to fuck. Hard. In the face!

"Lily!"

"Go away!" she shouted, enraged because James dared show his face in the school he had been an attendant of for close to seven years. She made to push past him, but at that precise moment Sirius, Remus, STUPIDBITCH and DUMBASSWHORE jumped out of nowhere and shoved them both through a door that just handily appeared (much like the balcony). It was the Room of Requirement, and Sirius and Remus had managed to find a way to open it without walking past it three times because I don't have time to think of viable excuses to explain the gaping holes in this plot. Sadly, as they both fell through the door, an unexplainable piece of magic happened to happen and for no reason at all they suddenly happened to end up in each other's bodies.

The door clicked shut behind them, and James realized that a) they were locked in and b) he was in Lily's body, so now he was the one with a figure like Blake Lively's, but better.

"We're not letting you two out until you stop fighting and have makeup sex!" came Sirius's muffled voice through the door. Remus mumbled something that sounded like 'stalactite' in agreement, and then everyone left.

There was a long, awkward and incredibly prolonged silence. James-as-Lily stared at Lily-as-James. Lily-as-James stared back. There seemed to be no end to this face-off. Racked with anxiety, James-as-Lily did the only thing a man-as-woman could do at a time like this, and nervously burst into song.

"And I was like, baby, baby, baby, _oh_!"

Almost immediately, and on the other side of the room, a bookcase reared up in offended and outraged majesty and launched a heavy Transfiguration book at James' head, promptly knocking him unconscious.

**It's time for yet another cliff-hanger! Will James and Lily ever get out of the Room of Requirement? How will they cope in different bodies? What exactly was Remus reading when he was shagging Sirius? Will STUPIDBITCH and DUMBASSWHORE get it on like the dirty skanks they are, or will they fornicate instead with Remus and Sirius? Where **_**was**_** Peter going in the Great Hall? In what dastardly way will Bellatrix attempt to hurt James, his family, and maybe even humanity itself? Stay tuned to find out!**

**Some Translations:**

C'est un détraqué mental! – He's a crazy stalker!

Est-ce que c'est une baguette dans votre poche ou étes-ous heureux juste de me voir? – Is that a baguette in your pocket or are you just pleased to see me?

Zut alors, quelle grande tente vous avez lá! – Golly, what a big tent you have!

Va bouffer ta merde! – Eat shit!

Merci! S'il vous plait! Oú est la fenêtre? Oú pouvons-nous acheter un masque de boiteux? – Thank you! Please! Where is the window? Where can we buy a gimp mask?


	4. Teh Old Switcheroo!

_**In the last chapter of Totally Hawt Potter Love: The Rewrite…**____"We're not letting you two out until you stop fighting and have makeup sex!" came Sirius's muffled voice through the door. Remus mumbled something that sounded like 'stalactite' in agreement, and then everyone left._

_There was a long, awkward and incredibly prolonged silence. James-as-Lily stared at Lily-as-James. Lily-as-James stared back. There seemed to be no end to this face-off. Racked with anxiety, James-as-Lily did the only thing a man-as-woman could do at a time like this, and nervously burst into song._

_"And I was like, baby, baby, baby,__oh!"_

_Almost immediately, and on the other side of the room, a bookcase reared up in offended and outraged majesty and launched a heavy Transfiguration book at James' head, promptly knocking him unconscious._

**Chapter four –Teh Old Switcheroo!**

James-as-Lily quickly regained consciousness, stood up and banged frantically on the door. He didn't bother attempting to unlock it, even though he had his wand on him - well, Lily's wand – and this would have been the obvious thing to do.

"Let us out, you bastards!" he shouted, but was immediately stung by a blow from Lily-as-James (Hard. In the face!). James had the best Quidditch-toned muscles in the history of all histories, magical or otherwise, which made him considerably strong, and therefore, the force of the blow nearly knocked James-as-Lily unconscious for the second time.

"I don't use bad language, you fucking wanker!" Lily-as-James screamed. James-as-Lily winced, because screaming was so unmanly. "Ever. At all. I never have! And I will personally guarantee the loss of your penis if you ever do it again!

_**Earlier that same evening…**_

_"I don't use bad language, you fucking wanker!"_

_**Back to real time…**_

"I'm sorry, but I was very frustrated and I needed an outlet for my anger that served to both make me feel better and harm nobody," James-as-Lily stuck his-as-her tongue out at Lily-as-James, privately thanking his lucky stars that he never missed an episode of _Dr Phil_. "I want you to get excited about your life!"

"What?"

"I mean, what are we going to do?"

"I don't know!" Lily-as-James was beginning to panic. Hard. In the face! "I mean, we definitely can't tell anyone that we've switched."

"There's no way we can tell our friends!" James-as-Lily agreed. "This is a magical school. Magical things obviously aren't supposed to happen. If we tell our friends that something magical has happened to both of us, they'll think we're freaks! They won't believe us! We'll be universally ostracised!"

"And we can't go to a teacher," Lily-as-James interjected. "Every teacher in this school would definitely know how to reverse this magic, and thereby solve our problem without subjecting us to several weeks of awkward situations and ridiculous high-jinks!"

"Too risky," James agreed, shaking Lily's head.

"Our best bet," said Lily-as-James, because Lily was the sensible one. Even though she hadn't thought to try unlocking the door by magic, either. "Is to wait until we've either fallen madly in love and made out, even though it's really weird to kiss yourself-"

"You've never seen me at the mirror," James-as-Lily mumbled.

"Or," Lily-as-James continued. "Come to have a mutual respect for each other, which will inevitably lead to us being in love anyway."

"I thought we were already in love?"

"We were, until we made out with each other at the Yule Ball. That was a huge violation of trust."

"Oh yeah," James scratched Lily's head. "This is all really confusing. How are we doing?" He looked over at canon!Lily and James for guidance, but they had snuck out to have canon sex in their canon house while their canon friends didn't partake in homosexual lovemaking, explode with hyperactivity or disappear for no reason whatsoever. In fact, the canon friends of canon!Lily and James were trying to figure out the best way to fire non!canon Lily, James, Remus, Sirius and Peter out of an actual canon. Hard. In the face!

"I guess we're on our own, then," said Lily-as-James.

"Wait, wait," said James-as-Lily. "The Yule Ball! The Triwizard Tournament! How are you going to compete as me?"

"Never mind that!" cried Lily-as-James. "I think I'm due my period!"

"Double, triple damn! Don't periods give you STDs?" said James-as-Lily.

"OMG, DO THEY?" Lily-as-James shrieked, freaked out.

"I suppose we'll have to contend with all the usual problems, then?" said James-as-Lily, with a weak laugh, trying to cheer her-as-him up. "Menstruation, going to the bathroom, hanging out with our friends, convincing everyone that we're each other…"

"Not to mention the fact that the Beaubaxtons Champion is a boy this year and he is most definitely going to ask me out as soon as we get out of here, so you'll have to go on the date for me and it will be really awkward."

"And not to mention the Quidditch you'll have to play. Let's hope Sirius doesn't find out. He's conveniently on the team, too, even though it was never blatantly part of Rowling's canon."

"But isn't Quidditch cancelled during the Triwizard Tournament?"

"Generally," said James-as-Lily. "But I'm never actually going to compete in the tournament. It exists purely for the Yule Ball, and for the aforementioned hot Beaubaxtons bloke who's going to ask you out and make me jealous. Quidditch is on the agenda."

"No! I can't do it!" Lily-as-James protested. "I'm conveniently terrified of heights! Heights give you STDs!"

"It's ok, I'll teach you how to fly and we'll have our first romantic moment on my broom."

"Does it have to be on your broom?"

"It's either that or while we're dancing in the rain, and I don't know if you've heard or not, but rain gives you STDs," said James-as-Lily. "Now how are we going to get out of this room?"

"Let me think," said Lily-as-James. "There's a key over there that looks like it might fit the door. There's an open window and we both have our wands. Really, James-as-me, I think the solution is obvious."

"We're going to have to kiss, aren't we?"

"Clearly."

They kissed softly, igniting their feelings for one another, of which both were ashamed. Even though they were essentially kissing themselves, it was kind of hot. James-as-Lily figured that it was because he himself was so damn fine, and Lily-as-James was just pleased that she got to kiss someone who had invested in a decent lip balm. Immediately after they kissed, the door sprang open and they were freed.

"So, what do we do now?" said Lily-as-James.

"Well. We should go to our dorms and get cleaned up." James-as-Lily paused. "Can I have a shower as you, or is that not cool?"

"Of course you _ca_n have a shower as me," Lily-as-James began slowly. "If I say that you cannot, that would imply that you are physically unable, which is not true. However, you may not have a shower as me."

"Have you been listening to those Grammar Girl podcasts again?" questioned James-as-Lily, trying to send out a subtle hint to bad writers everywhere.

"Actually no, I read that in a Babysitter's Club book."

"Ohmegee!" James-as-Lily squeaked. "Stacey McGill was like, so my favourite! Battling bravely through her diabetes and still managing to be so stylish!" He wiped a tear from Lily's eye. "What a girl she was."

"Oh I agree, but Claudia will always be my favourite," Lily-as-James sighed. "She was so awesome, hiding her Nancy Drew books everywhere and doing all that arty stuff. I always wanted to be like her."

"I prefer Kristy to Claudia, even though I always pronounce her name without the 'r'. She always has such good ideas!"

"Kristy's Krushers rule!" said Lily-as-James, pumping a fist into the air. Hard. In the face!

"For example," James-as-Lily said slyly. "Kristy would have thought that showering was a good idea."

"Exactly!" Lily-as-James cried. James-as-Lily grinned. He had managed to outsmart her. It wasn't hard.

"Right," he-as-she said. "I'll go shower. And because this is a fic, we won't look at each other's bodies at all."

"That's a given," said Lily-as-James. "I'll meet you back here in twenty. And don't talk to STUPIDBITCH or DUMBASSWHORE! They'll figure out that I'm you in a second. They've been my best friends for practically the whole evening, so they know me inside out."

They parted ways.

_**Meanwhile, in the girl's dorm…**_

STUPIDBITCH was worried.

Her new best friend Lily Evans had been gone for a whole half hour and nobody knew where she was. She seemed to have disappeared from the earth, which was most inconvenient as STUPIDBITCH needed to borrow a condom from her in order to partake in hot, sweaty lovemaking with Sirius Black. After searching the entire school, STUPIDBITCH had retired to the dorm, where she began to panic slightly. STUPIDBITCH and Lily had a best friend connection that ran so deep that STUPIDBITCH could trace her smell, much like a sniffer dog. Lily's scent had stopped somewhere on the third floor corridor and STUPIDBITCH had discovered nothing further.

The door to the dorm opened and STUPIDBITCH jumped hopefully up from behind Lily's bed, where she was still searching for Lily.

"Agh!" cried DUMBASSWHORE, who was, in case you're stupid, the person who entered the dorm. "You scared me! What are you doing behind Lily's bed?"

"I was seeing if I could pick up any trails from Lily's underwear. You know, using my amazing sense of smell."

"Must you always brag about that?" DUMBASSWHORE replied. "It's not like that's anything special, unlike my powers. I can roll my tongue."

"I can touch my nose with my tongue," STUPIDBITCH reminded her huffily.

"I have long, shocking purple hair that's actually my natural colour, and eyes that are a dark, inky blue, like shiny sapphires," said DUMBASSWHORE.

"I have equally long, golden blonde hair and cerulean blue eyes, like bruised stars," STUPIDBITCH spat back.

"I have a 12 inch waist!"

"That's because you wear a corset," spat STUPIDBITCH. "My waist is that small all by itself!"

"I have bulimia!"

"I have anorexia!"

"I'm having sex with Remus Lupin tonight!"

"I'm having sex with Sirius Black tonight!"

"I'm having sex with _Jacob_ Black tonight!"

"I'm having sex with Edward Cullen tonight!"

"I'm Dumbledore's favourite student!"

"I'm Dumbledore's daughter and sister!"

"I can fly without a broomstick-"

"I can move things with my mind!" put in STUPIDBITCH.

"I have psychic powers, and the dead communicate with me."

"I can tell the future!"

"Well I can heal people by touching them."

"I can play all seven Quidditch positions at once!"

"I can play all seven Quidditch positions at once for BOTH TEAMS!"

"I can bring the dead back to life by peeing on them!" STUPIDBITCH cried.

"I can KILL people by peeing on them!" DUMBASSWHORE roared.

"Yeah?" said STUPIDBITCH, steeling herself up to deliver the final blow. "Well I have a ten per cent discount at Abercrombie & Fitch!"

DUMBASSWHORE's shoulders slumped. STUPIDBITCH always used that to win their arguments. It was something with which she just could not compete. "You're right, you _are_ much better than me."

"It's ok," said STUPIDBITCH, patting her shoulder sweetly. "You know you can't compete with a blonde chick. We're still BFFs and all that."

DUMBASSWHORE beamed. Hard. In the face! "You're such a great friend, STUPIDBITCH, almost as great as Lily."

"Oh, heavens! Nobody is better than Lily. She's perfection in itself. Curse those emerald orbs!"

"Aye, those orbs haunt my dreams," DUMBASSWHORE sighed, putting on a Scottish accent for unknown reasons.

"Speaking of Lily, have you seen her?"

"No, why?"

"I need to borrow a condom from her so I can shag Siripoo."

There was a deadly silence, broken by DUMBASSWHORE's burst of laughter.

"You silly girl!" she cried. "Don't use one! A condom, honestly! Didn't you know that they give you STDs?"

"Oh yeah!" STUPIDBITCH slapped her forehead. "How could I have forgotten? I'm such a stupid bitch."

"You are not a stupid bitch, STUPIDBITCH, and I'll kill anyone who says you are!"

"Oh, DUMBASSWHORE, you truly are a friend indeed." STUPIDBITCH grabbed her friend's arm and they frolicked their way back down to the ball.

And thus, STUPIDBITCH and DUMBASSWHORE were happy again. Nobody cared.

_**Meanwhile, in a bathroom somewhere...**_

James took all of Lily's clothes off immediately upon reaching the bathroom, felt every part that he could and stared at his reflection for an hour. He almost wished that he had his penis back so that he could wank like crazy, but alas, he didn't. He was sure that Lily was enjoying it, though.

_**Meanwhile, in another bathroom somewhere…**_

As much as she loved dick, James's dick in particular, Lily cried because she hated having a penis. Women, eh?

_**Meanwhile, back in that first bathroom…**_

Eventually, James finished showering and salivating over his new, womanly body. After everything was nice and dry, he decided to go to Lily's dorm and have a look around. He went into the dorm and made his way to Lily's underwear drawer. Upon opening it, he found a Nancy Drew book under a pair of socks.

"That's odd," he said, but then remembered that Lily had once aspired to be Claudia Kishi from The Babysitters Club – who was famous for hiding Nancy Drew books in her bedroom - and shrugged it off. It was, he realized, a lot easier to listen to and remember what Lily said to him when he was unable to stare at her breasts as she talked. He decided to have a look in Lily's school bag and see if she had scribbled his name on any of her books. However, he soon realized that all of Lily's textbooks were, in fact, Nancy Drew books with different covers stuck on. Perturbed, he lay down on the bed, but jumped back up when his head hit something rather solid. He looked at the object; it was an oddly lumpy pillow. He shook out the pillowcase and six more Nancy Drew books tumbled out onto the floor.

It was only then that James realized that the entire bed was made from Nancy Drew books. Even the bed sheets were made from pages sewn tightly together.

He let out a huge scream. Because everyone knows that Nancy Drew books give you STDs!

_**Meanwhile, back in the boy's dorm…**_

Eventually, Lily managed to dry her tears and went into the boy's dorms to have a look around. Before she could have a look around, there was a knock on the door, a knock that handily provides the author with an excuse not to write any descriptive passages. Hurrah!

Lily walked over to the door and opened it slowly, so as to set a nice, suspense filled mood. She gasped at what she saw.

The most beautiful girl Lily had ever seen was standing on the threshold. She had long, soft, silky, scrumptious, sexy, and stunning brown hair that was both curly and straight at the same time. Her eyes were huge, and made from actual moonstones. Her figure was like Jessica Simpson's was when she lost all that weight for that really bad movie, _The Dukes of Hazzard_, and her smile lit up the room. Literally, she was holding a torch between her teeth. All in all, her exquisite beauty was overwhelming, equal to Lily's exquisite beauty, even.

Lily was about to ask her who she was, but before she could, the girl dropped the bag she was holding, beamed joyously, and threw her arms around Lily's neck. Again, Lily did not look like Lily. She looked like James. As she was _in his body_. Are we clear?

"Jamesie!" the mysterious and absolutely stunning girl cried lovingly. "I've missed you so much!"

**Can you believe it, another cliffy! Who is this mysterious beauty who has come to see James, and will she steal his heart from Lily? Speaking of James, will the Nancy Drew books infect him? Does Remus have a pension plan? Will Sirius unknowingly father STUPIDBITCH's child? Where**_**was**_**Peter going in the Great Hall? I can barely wait to find out myself, so stay tuned!**


End file.
